Am I really worth anything..?

Damn... I feel so bad right now... I think I'm going to drink myself to sleep this weekend; I just want to get rid of this stupid sad feeling...

I really don't get why I'm like this... He's been acting so friendly and nice to me since i knew him and yet I get him mad over and over again... I don't really know why but I sort of been having negative feelings toward him recently...

I hate him beacuse he keeps on telling to do something that I think is right but I can't bring myself to do... It's so hard... I want to explain it to him but I don't think he'll understand anyway... He doesn't know the pain, shame and sadness that i've experienced...

Still, I'm the one at fault here... I don't know what to do... I wish someone would help me... If I'm always going to be this bad friend then I might as well be alone... Because this feeling is not something that I'm used to and it hurts like hell... And believe me, I've been through hell...

Friendship woes...

Let's start with something funny I got from Karen:

"To realize the value of one year, ask a student who failed a grade. To realize the value of one month, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of one week, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of one hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of one minute, ask a person who just missed the train. To realize the value of one second, ask UST (University of Santo Tomas) coach Pido Harencio and the UST Tigers who lost a game to ADMU(Ateneo de Manila University). Treasure every moment!"

Anyway...

I love my friends... They add flavor to my day and they always make me happy... They're God's gifts to me...

But you know, it's just sad that even though I always try to be the best friend I can be, I always end up disappointing my friends... I feel that I don't even deserve to be their friend... I don't deserve any friends...

I think I should just shut up and be a loner... That's better than getting someone get angry because I did/said something wrong... (I always manage to do that...) It's better than making someone feel awful or sad...

I'm okay with the idea of being alone but I really hate it when people try to be compassionate or friendly to me when I try to keep away... It sucks... It just makes me feel more miserable... It's not that their bad or anything; It's just that i know I'm going to do or say something bad that'll just hurt or annoy someone sooner or later...

I want to be a better friend to my friends... Boku no taisetsu na negai wa boku ga yasashii tomodachi... I'll just have to do my best...

And after everything I've said here, I just hope that on that day, I'll have the courage to take the bullet for that someone to make up for my worthlessness to the world and my friends...

First post? What do i do...?

I think I'll just post this story for now... I made it for Literature13 class...

"Why are you so sad? I’ve never seen you like this before. I’m not sad. I’m just thinking. You said before that you’re never sad especially when I’m around. You always had a smile on your face. You know that always made my day. I don’t know. Things change, I suppose. Anyway, how’s life? I don’t know. I don’t feel like myself. You know that going with the flow was never my thing. Well, that seems to be what you’re doing. Seeing you like this makes sad. Are you sure you’re okay? Yeah. I’m okay. Just a little troubled. You’re not okay. Come on, why won’t you tell me? I left you even though I told you I love you. Why do you still care so much? I think I know what the problem is. I don’t think so. I know more about you than you think. But you’ll never know what I’m feeling right now. I do nikhe, I do. I don’t think that’s possible. We’ve known each other for so long and yet you still say that? I know you’re a nice person and you’re just tired of loving the world. I still do. But I feel like crying now. I’m so messed up. I end up disappointing and annoying people when I try to do good things. I know it’s me who’s at fault. I’ve changed, somewhat. I see. You sound hurt. People judge me even if they don’t know me. They don’t know the enemies that lay me at your feet. They don’t know that I still cry at night. Open your eyes and look at me crying. Why are you crying? I know what it feels like to be neglected and be left alone. I also know what it feels like to be asked to show feelings you’ve never experienced. To be asked to give what you don’t have. It’s so hard. I know that’s what love really is but still, it’s so hard. That’s the point. That’s what love really is. We both have to keep on going. Don’t worry; I’ll always be here for you. You know, I don’t feel so bad anymore. You’re really nice, did you know that? Thanks. That’s what real friends do. Thanks."

Cool or not?